Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Depressed

Well, my Neutrophils have been holding at 100 since yesterday. All my other counts have increased dramatically, which is good and shows a trend. If my neutrophils get to 300 tomorrow, I can go home. I'm hoping, and praying and dancing and doing everything I can to get them to go up. And I really, really miss being home. It's tough to be in the hospital when you feel good and the only thing keeping you here is a stupid number on a stupid paper. I'm beginning to hate to young resident who gives me the numbers each morning. As if it's his fault.

Brett is here with me and is trying to cheer me up. If I can't go home with him tomorrow, he'll be driving back to Orange County for baseball practice, then back up to stay Thursday night. I'm not sure I'll be able to stand another day and night here. I'm really tempted to discharge against medical orders.

So, that's how I'm doing. Not so good and not as positive as usual. Please keep the prayers, positive thoughts and dances coming. I really need it!

Thanks!

10 comments:

Danielle said...

hey kelly- i know nothing we say can really help you feel better, so let's all just talk about the things that SUCK about being in the hospital. I will start:

#1- Q4 hour vital signs, even while asleep!!

Kelly said...

That's funny - but for me, its Q3 hour blood draw, then Q4 vitals. So I get up twice!

Meritt said...

I keep thinking about your (and my) personality and how frustrating it must be to wait on your own body to do something and yet have no power or control to MAKE it happen. It's like we all go through life thinking we have complete control over our bodies and then, boom - we realize they do things that are completely foreign to us.

I'm sorry those numbers aren't rising yet - but they will.

christopher torri said...

Hi Kelly.

The profundity of the statement above couldn't be more spot on. I completely understand your frustration. This may come off as odd, but it was advice well taken from my personal RN when I was on my last medication. She told me that sometimes we have to succumb to the frustration and just plain feeling like (expletive deleted). We all need a few days, every once in a while, to wallow (in our pity), for the sake of our sanity. Nobody is perfect, and try as hard as anyone might, sometimes well meaning words from a stranger to, "hang in there" are met with threats of strangulation or advice to indulge in self-gratification in the worst way--if you are inclined to go the 'potty mouth' route (yes, you can laugh at that one). It's like the little spinny thing on top of a pressure cooker. Without it, we (and it) would explode. This isn't to say that this is also an opportunity to explore innate abilities sofar unknown, for being able to 'swim against the tide' and smile in the face of adversity. But, that might be a little too whimsical, and there is also something fairly wise about just giving in and letting the tide carry you (or else you lose all your energy and risk drowning). Then, when you reach the shore, you go on from there and find something positive to hold onto again.

Just food for thought. I will also send good juju your way since I know what you're going through.

Sit back, close your eyes, take a deep breath and then throw a tantrum like a 4 year old who can't have the Skittles. It works.
Just not for your neighbors.
-Chris

therextras said...

RUNNING TO THE CANDLES FOR THE LAST 100! (neutrophils)

Barbara

Anonymous said...

Kelly -

Julie and I did the neutrophils dance for you yesterday, and we'll do so again today. Thinking of you!

Allison

tara @ kidz said...

I found your blog on facebook. I'm wondering if you'd like to share Jenelle's story on my blog (kidzorg.blogspot.com). Our mission is to increase awareness about different disorders, and to help other moms who might be going through things like that. I shared my daughter's story (she has a different type of epilepsy) and I've been amazed how many people have contacted me dealing with the same (or similar) condition. Anyway, let me know. She sure is a cutie!

tara @ kidz said...

I just read the post (I do things backwards quite often). I'm so sorry you're going through this. I worked on the oncology floor for years, and have had a peak at the process you are going through. God bless! Hope you get to go home soon.

Bogart in P Towne said...

You don't want me to dance. It would not be a site that would encourage anything but crying.

Army of Mom said...

Pretty lady, I totally understand. I remember a situation where I was not my best after I had my first c-section. Some poor student nurse came in to help me get up and go to the restroom for the first time. It hurt so bad and I was so frustrated that something as simple as walking three feet to the restroom could be so awful. All I could say was the F word over and over and over. I apologized and she looked at me and said, If I were in your shoes, I'd say the same thing. Say it if it makes it easier.

So, you know what? Chris is right. You're allowed to have a down day. Just know what we all love you and are cheering for you and praying for you and doing all sorts of dances for you.

I'm even sending you good "vibes." Get it? Come on, you know that makes you want to laugh.